09 January 2010


This weekend D. is away and we have no big plans. In fact, I don't even have to work on Sunday like I usually do. My plans for this two days at home with the kids with the roads covered in snow and the temperature below freezing, is to lock myself in the house, stay in my pajamas, and do nothing. Maybe I'll stay in bed and read. Maybe I'll lie on the sofa and watch all the shows I have DVR'd. Perhaps I'll rent a chick flick, bury myself in the recliner and a couple of blankets, and cry my eyes out. Sometimes you just need a lazy weekend at home.

The thing that worries me sometimes, though, is that I want to do this each time D. is away, which is once or twice a month. I want to take the time to just, well, hibernate. But in a few months, he's leaving. He's going to be gone for a year. I can't be a hermit for a year. I can't hibernate every weekend. I can't lock myself in the house every day and stay in bed for a year. It's just not going to work.

I'm not against taking time for myself. In fact, I'm all for it. And for the last several years I've been determined not to lose myself in all the things that are such a part of being a mom. So I do take time to myself, all the time. I go out with my friends. I lock myself in the bathroom and take a hot bubble bath if I've had a stressful day. I take some time on my days off to do my own thing for a while. I take care of myself. Everyone should.

But what I'm wondering is: is this healthy me-time that I'm spending while D. is away? Or is this me not wanting to face the world? Is this me feeling alone and tired of the routine and just trying to avoid life?

I'm not sure what the answer is. But it's something I'm aware of. It's something I'm going to watch. And to those of you who know me in real life, if D. is away and you don't hear from me or see me for a while, come pull me out of my bear den and make me socialize! Consider this permission.

1 comment:

Stella said...

I think the fact that you are so aware of what it could be means that you recognize the possible dangers. There's also a difference. You know that D. will be back. When he's gone for a year, you'll know that it's a year.
I'm sure it will be a struggle but you are strong enough to see what you're going through and how to stay sane!!